A Financial Testimony :)

This started as a Facebook post that was getting WAYYYY too long. So I decided to take it here!

It all starts with Daniel, Hailie and I living at my mother in law, Terri's house. With a heart of gold, she let us stay there... and stay there... and stay there...
As amazing as she is, living in just one bedroom and a walk in closet in your mother in law's house isn't really the best for any marriage. I remember asking myself "WHAT AM I DOING? What am I doing to get my own place? I say I want it, but am I really taking any steps to get there?"

When Hailie was 12 weeks old, I had gone back briefly, to my minimum wage job at Home Depot. I lasted maybe 2 weeks back there. With the promise of a promotion, co-workers I loved and a couple "Associate Of The Month"s under my belt, I left. With no regrets.
I had always felt this, but never fully realized just how strongly I felt it, that being fully present throughout my kid's lives was non-negotiable for me. Some moms have to leave their kids for a typical 9-5'er. Some mom's have it in them that they WANT to. To those mom's, hats off to ya. I don't know how you do it. Everyone is different, and has different wants, desires and dreams built into them for a reason. For me, it is more than just a desire to be at home with my babies. It is like an ingrained instinctual truth. I know it is what I am supposed to do like I know that I need to breathe air. I have said before that I would rather live under a bridge in a cardboard box with my babies by my side than have to drop them off at daycare for someone else to raise for the better part of every day. That being said, living where we live, most people can't survive on one income. So, in order to move and get our own place, I needed to work. What could I do? What job was out there that I could earn income and still have Hailie with me? And what one was out there that I also possessed the skills required to do it?
AHHHHH... Childcare. I could be a nanny! I applied to dozens, even hundreds of nanny jobs on care.com before I even landed an interview. I started out watching a little boy named Grayson and his 6 month old brother Colton. That job lasted 4 months. Just before the 4th of July in 2014, They told me they would be giving my job to their niece who needed to earn money for college. I realized I had been stupid with my money the last 4 months. Just buying treats and makeup and building up my wardrobe. Stupid. I had nothing saved. And now was without a job. Daniel worked at a gym (Planet Fitness) full time at that time. Which was great, but not enough for us to move out on.
Back to applying to nanny jobs for me. It took 3 more months of applying nearly every day. Looking back, I "failed" to land a job so many times. For months! But I didn't stop. I knew what I wanted and I didn't stop. Every time someone said no, it didn't stop me. Finally, I landed my job watching Jack and Grant. They are twins, and I have experience with twins, seeing as my mom has 2 sets. Their mom was almost begging for me to take the job, and so I did! On August 24th 2014 (The day after I ran the Santa Rosa Marathon!) I started watching them. That was when the real money started coming in. We had a good, solid income now. It took me about 6 months to realize that, though. My marriage was at an all time lowest of lows. Maybe someday I'll go into detail about that, but its not for this post. And I'd have to get permission from my wonderful husband of course. ;)
Well, February 2015 came and so did our tax return. We used that money and took a leap of faith. We started applying for apartments. We landed one right away and at the end of February, we finally had our own place. We used to talk about how great it would be... that we would walk around and just touch the walls... stand in the middle of our living room and think "Wow... this is our's... our very own place." We spent many a night staying up whispering in bed about all the things we could do once we had our own place. Finally, we had done it. My Dad, sister and brother in law and my mother in law all helped us get everything over to our new one bedroom apartment in Rohnert Park. 5 minutes from my work watching Jack and Grant, and literally a block away from Planet Fitness where Daniel worked. After everyone had left, we said goodbye and I turned around to see Daniel standing in our living room. Both of our faces were flushed with excitement and from working hard and fast to get everything unloaded before rain hit. He pulled me to him and picked me up and spun me around in our new living room. Boxes stacked to the ceiling, everything a mess, he held me close and kissed me so hard. We finally did it. After just talking about it for 3 years, we had finally done it.

That started a new chapter of our marriage and life together. A couple weeks after that, I had applied to a few more nanny jobs, because I only worked 3 days a week, and while we were able to make ends meet, some more income would be nice. And since I had the time, why not? Well the perfect job showed up. Thursdays and Fridays, I started watching two little girls. One was just a little older than Hailie, the other a little younger. It was perfect! We spent our days doing crafts, walking to and playing at the park by their house, playing outside or inside, with toys, etc. etc. etc.!

June of 2015 a big change happened. Daniel got a job at Costco! It paid MUCH better and was more fast paced and challenged him more. Just what he needed and wanted! It was perfect.

December of 2015 I found out I was pregnant! We definitely knew we were ready for another little blessing. By that July of 2016 I decided I needed to leave my second nanny job. I felt that I would no longer be able to fulfill all my responsibilities there, once I had a newborn to care for as well. So sadly, I left that job.
Of course losing that income hurt us. Then we bought 2 new cars. (I absolutely needed a van because watching the boys required driving them to school. So If I had 2 of my own and 2 kids to drive, my old Ford Explorer just did not have enough seat belts.)
We spiraled deep down into debt. We were already in some but all of that got us into some deep water.
Meanwhile, a dream I have had on a shelf would come back to me every now and then...
Land. I want land. No matter how much time passes, it always comes back. Visions of holding baby chicks with my little ones, teaching them how to care for animals, how to ride horses, how to care for a garden... They always return. Having enough land for my boys to run wild. dirty bare feet, scraped knees, clothes torn while playing to their heart's content climbing trees and everything else that little boys can think of has always been in my heart. That is the dream. I want land. With a huge garden. And all the farm animals I can think of. With a pond and a dock and a little boat we can go fish in. And a rope swing to jump off of into the water. I want pastures. I want woods. And I want it to all be organic and sustainably managed. I want a huge collection of heirloom seeds that I grow and save year after year. I want to learn to hunt. I want to feed my family from our land with as little need of outside sources as possible.
As a teenager, I filled my shelf with books on animal husbandry, farm and land management and dog and horse training books. I took nutrition, Ag Econ and dance classes at the JC... not knowing what I wanted to do. I majored in Veterinary Technology and took biology and Veterinary Medical Terminology. I never graduated because I got pregnant with Hailie, but I retained the knowledge gleaned. That dream is still there and it comes out every now and then.

But there I was... Pregnant and literally on my knees praying to God above, that we could somehow make the rent. Somehow every month, we did. The bank would be overdrafted multiple times, but we always managed somehow to pay everything. I tried being a transcriber for a couple months. Thanks to my Mom, I'm a pretty darn good speller and I can type extremely fast. I passed the tests and quickly got on with a couple companies. But the ones that paid well didn't have enough hours. And the ones with many hours well... well they DIDN'T pay well. It wasn't working out.

I had our wonderful son Danny on August 25th, 2016. That was on a Thursday. The following Monday, I was back to work. I couldn't afford to miss a single day. And besides, the boys are fairly easy to watch. They are 7 years old. All I have to do is go over at 4:30am (That's the hardest part) And then a few hours later, get them up and ready for school. Something many many new moms do, everyday with a newborn.

Money was impossibly tight. We were in the hole by over $1000 every month. One Saturday I hit my knees praying again. "God PLEASE... I AM WILLING TO DO THE WORK... whatever it takes to get out of this mess!!! Give me the work, please! Some kind of job! I don't know what it would look like but I know if you provide it, it will be perfect! SEE me Lord! See my heart, I am willing to work!!"
I was at one of the lowest points in my life, financially. But a thousand thanks to my sister Julia reassuring me that God can do anything, and that he WILL provide... Encouraging me to lean on Him and ask. And thanks to my mother, who had us memorize scriptures many years ago, that I used to think I wouldn't need. (Now I wish I knew more!) Flashes of these scriptures kept coming to me. Whether from someone's bumper sticker, my own memory, or a word from a sermon in church, I mustered up my faith and prayed hard. I remembered Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," Declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." And I remembered Matthew 6:16: "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?" "Ask and you shall receive" "Knock and He will answer"
That Sunday in church, I tithed the last $30 we had in the bank that week. I prayed hard that day. Asking for a way to make more money and still be with my babies. Then my dreams came flooding back to me... I told God all of them. "God, YOU gave me all these dreams that I keep in my heart. Forgotten for years, they keep coming back. They are still there. I am willing to do whatever work it takes to get me there Lord, and I am asking for your help! Help me work for it!" I also asked for divine, supernatural favor to be put on my husband Daniel's shoulders from the management at Costco. And that maybe a promotion could somehow, some way come.

The VERY next day, My sister Bella tagged me in a post on facebook from Crossing The Jordan. It was a job offer and to apply, email Fallon. I did immediately. A few days Later, I met with her and Christen and started my new job. I now do online data entry, working from home, uploading clothes and shoes to Crossing The Jordan's online store!! It was slow at first, just a few hundered a month. But has quickly grown to where Daniel and I combined are now making more than enough to meet all of our needs and get out of debt forever!!!!!!
I also got on with a credit counseling and consolidation company. Basically, they freeze all your accounts and work with your creditors to get your interest reduced to less than 10% (Or even 0% in some cases!) The accounts will automatically re-open when we pay off all our debt.

Also that same week, whispers of a possible Supervisor opening in Daniel's department came. They still haven't come to fruition, as this is all still very new information, but it is all still a very real possibility. And every time I pray for that again, more positive news comes our way.

God absolutely answered our prayers. Every time I tithe, something positive happens that week. I asked, and God answered. There was no way I would have thought of something so perfect.

God will bless you. He is real. I am writing this because HE deserves the glory. It has been on my heart to write all of this out and I am finally taking the time to do it.

Someday, when you all see us move to our land, know that GOD is the one who made it possible. To him, all the glory. Know that God did it.

Even on our worst days, when it had been a month since we were able to grocery shop, we still had food on the table, someway, somehow. Even if it was cornbread and one piece of chicken each. God has always provided for us. And he always will. We have kept the roof over our head.

A couple weeks ago I tithed again. The day prior, I was praying in the van on the way to a visit to my mom's house with Hailie. We were praying for our dream. Nothing can stand in God's way. Debt is not a problem for God. Money is not a problem for God. To quote a good friend, Jean Marie Jobs: "If money is your problem, you don't have a problem."
So that week after tithing again, and praying, I filed our taxes and was ASTONISHED  to see that our tax return will be more than TWICE as much as it was last year. Suddenly God sends another blessing on top of all the other blessings. In the name of Jesus I say "Debt, get out of the way!"

All of this started with my writing on Facebook to share this story about Crossing The Jordan:
Thrift store is hand up, not hand out (Make sure you click and read that story!)

God is using them in more ways than they know, and my life is a perfect example of that!! I am so proud and beyond blessed to be working for such a great company!!!
I know this was a long blog but thank you for reading it all!!! Have a great day =)

Still Going!

So sorry its been so long since I've written! I've been blessed with tons of work! It takes a lot of time but the peace of mind that comes with being able to pay bills and have some leftover is well worth it! I am still losing weight! Not as quickly as I'd like but as of last week I was 159.8! Ha... Weeks behind but I am out of the 160's! I forgot to weight myself this morning and ate breakfast and had coffee and Amazing Greens powder and an eboost and a whole water bottle already... So weighing myself would be highly inaccurate at this point. I'll weigh myself tomorrow though.
I have been slacking really bad with working out. My eating has been enough to slowly lose weight still but its the exercise that I really need to be better at. I got new running shoes on my birthday! Thanks to my Mama, and my husband Daniel's Grandma Gage, and my mother in law Terri :)
They are 361's, Sensation W. Its a lower profile, neutral shoe and I am in love with them! They just move with me, Its almost like I can feel the ground under me! I've only ran 3 times in them though... since my birthday! Which was January 12th. Soooo I am definitely not running enough. I've done 1 DVD since before Christmas. But to be fair, I have been really sick.
You see, a few days before Christmas, I drove to Panaca, NV. (Right near the Utah border). All the older siblings crew in my family paid for everyone to stay at a huge 8 bedroom house there for a Christmas vacation!! I only went for a day, because there was no way I could spend Christmas away from my husband (and Danny's 1st one, too!) So on Dec 21st, I drove all night... 15 hours... to get there. I chose to go all night because there's no way the kids would last in their car seats -awake- for that long. So they slept the whole drive. Tired is an understatement as to how I felt the next day. Hours later, my family arrived! It was incredible fun!! It wasn't supposed to snow until the day after I left but a storm arrived early and it was snowing hard by the time they drove in! We played in the snow till we were out of breath, laughed, eyes and cheeks glowing as we took in the incredible winter sunset. Then, later after my kids were in bed, I went into my sisters Julia and Bella's room, Julia and I enjoyed a hoarded bottle of wine (hahaha ssshhh) and we all hungout warm and cozy in bed, laughing and sharing secrets like the good old days when we all shared a room. Then I joined my twin brothers Judah and Joseph, as well as my brother Timothy playing pool. Bella joined in too! (Yes, there was a room with a pool table!) I was awake for a total of 39 hrs that day. Then I went to sleep and having kids means you have an alarm clock with no snooze button. So by 7am, my son Danny was up and that means I was up again! We all ate in the big kitchen. Bagels, coffee, bacon, eggs... Delicious!! Then my mom and I headed out for a run in the snow!!! Altitude there was around 6000', if I remember correctly! So altitude train we did! My mom got to do that for a whole week!
That night I packed up because the next day was Christmas eve. I drove all night again. This time taking a different, slightly longer route home. There was a Blizzard in the sierras so I headed southwest to Las Vegas where I got lost briefly (around midnight at this point), then on into California. Then up the state I went all night long. Finally arriving home around 8am.
Of course this knocked out my immune system. My eyes were bloodshot for weeks, I had headaches at the base of my skull shooting into my neck. Never took a moment off work. I finally now feel like I am catching up on sleep. Caffeine has been my best friend every day. So I am absolutely happy to have still been losing weight! And I suppose that is the point of my story!

Yesterday I ran 5 miles with my mom! I did have to walk a few times, because I think I was dehydrated (When will I ever get the hang of drinking enough water!? Its even harder because I'm nursing Danny! So when I do drink extra, I need extra still!) That is my new best distance since I got pregnant with Danny! It was great! I would have gone today again but I can feel my body saying "rest."

So there you have it, that's my little update. That's what I have been up to, and why I haven't really written!
Hope you all are doing well, and enjoying this new year which is off at a running start!

This is my fam, in Panaca! Picture taken after I left with my kiddos, but now you can see how incredibly beautiful it was!

Not My Best Week Ever...

This past week was a total goof up. Not proud of it. This is the part where its hard. This is the part where it is WORK. This is the part where you have to KEEP GOING. This is the part where in years past, I would give up. This is the part where I just have to stay focused... Stay inside my head... And keep my head in the game.

I weighed in at 133.4 today. That's a 2 lb gain almost, but I know its mostly just water weight. The last 2 days of the week I did terrible. On Thursday I drove for almost 5 hours altogether. My dad's cousin passed away, so I drove with my sister Bella and cousins Jacob and Rebecca plus my kiddos to Hayward. In the torrential rain. Sugary coffees were greatly enjoyed, and I didn't eat much throughout the day, so by dinner, I was just ravenous.
Then yesterday I ate soooo many cookies... My husband Daniel made some amazing coconut oil chocolate chip cookies on Thursday while I was away with the kids. So Friday was definitely a cookie day. I ate at least 10.

Today I did very well though. I am within my calorie goal, and I worked out with my sister in law, Angelina. First we did a nice interval run, then we did a DVD. Should be around a 500 calorie deficit from the workout, and then another 500 deficit from food/Danny.

My goal for next week is just going to be to get under 160lbs. If I can get back on track and see 150-something on the scale next week, I'll be stoked. So here's to new days, trying again, and getting back up in the saddle!

Week 1 of 14 Complete: Successful?

Week one is in the books. Did I lose weight? Yes I did! How much? Well... not as much as I would have liked but I know WHY it did not happen. I had 4 -yes, 4- cheat days... Not incredibly big ones. There was one beer, too much food, that sort of thing. So of course with exercise and eating right the other 3 days, I managed to get down to 161.8 lbs as of this morning! 1.8 lbs above this week's goal. But I really am ok with that. Today is a new day. This week is a new week.

Goal for next Saturday? 157 lbs. I predict that next Saturday, I WILL see the 150's! Even if I don't quiet get down to 157. Its been awhile since I have seen the 150's on the scale! I zoomed through them in my pregnancy. Maybe around 4 months pregnant hahaha. Then they were long gone. But by this time next week, I will see it!

I worked out everyday except Tuesday. Monday was just a DVD, Wednesday was a DVD and a run with my cousin Rebecca. Thursday was another DVD and a run with my mom. I did a solid 2 miles, nonstop! Then yesterday (Friday) I ran and did a DVD with my cousin Rebecca again. Today is supposed to have been a day with my sister in law, Angelina. But it is raining. I'd do a rain run with her but we run with the boys in their strollers. Obviously, we can't stick our babies in the strollers in the rain. So we'll go out tomorrow. I think I'll make today my rest day, then. Not sure though, when I think of losing weight today... I can lose more if I DO workout today. Even if I just go for a short run. Maybe that's what I'll do. Let my muscles rest from the calisthenics and weight lifting in the DVD, but still get my blood pumping and burn off some calories with some cardio.

I officially bought my bridesmaid dress the other night! I bought a size 2... The site said that was the equivalent of an XS... Which is the size I wore when I was around 125. So even if I don't get quiet down to 120, it should still fit.

So yeah, exciting stuff! I've been eating pretty clean. Not as much organics unfortunately, but I am doing all of this on a $260/month grocery budget. That's for the whole family. And that includes other things like cleaning products, TP, diapers etc... Not just strictly food. So it has been tight, but if I'm able to feed my family on a tight budget and still lose weight, then suddenly the excuse "I can't afford to eat healthy" is no longer valid. Someday, I want to have a farm/homestead with maybe a little farmstand and I want to help provide healthy food to low income people/families. I don't know if that would mean selling for cheaper to them or just giving it away... But it is something I've thought of for a long time. Anyways, that's off topic.

So! 157lbs is this next Saturday's goal. We'll see if I make it! Weight lost, is weight lost though! I will reach my goal. It might not be by the wedding, because that's an extremely crunched time frame, but I'll fit into my dress and then reach goal a few weeks later, if not by the day :)

Oh and yes, New background on this blog, finally :)

Losing That Baby Weight... Round 2, GO!

Alright, alright. Danny is 3 months old now. It is time to kick it back into gear and lose this baby weight. I have 10 less pounds to lose with him, than what I had to lose with Hailie. I am 163 lbs, as of this morning. Goal: 120 by March 11th because that is when my awesome cousin Rebecca is getting married! And I'm one of the bridesmaids so you know I gotsta be looking my best! That's a big weight loss challenge though. that's 43lbs in 14 weeks. So my goal is to lose 3.07 lbs per week. Or more. Then, I can slow down my weight loss the closer I get to the wedding and maintenance will be much easier. If I don't hit 120, that will be ok. I'll be happy with a 130, too :) But if I shoot for the moon and miss, at least I'll end up in the stars!
So there's my goals!

I'm going to do Saturdays again as my weigh in day. Goal for next Saturday: 160 lbs.
After Danny was born, I weighed 169 lbs. So I have slowly been losing, just with nursing him and not eating TOOO much. but 1/2 lb per week is too slow for me to make goal on time!

I'll be eating reallyyyy clean again and carefully picking my macro nutrients for every meal. I have to make sure I get enough protein, fruits and veggies and healthy carbs to maintain a good milk supply. That kid can eat, let me tell you. Its no wonder he is 99th percentile for height and his head circumference, and then 98th for his weight. He's wearing size 6 months clothes and he only just turned 3 months old. So he's consuming at least 500 calories a day. Probably more. Yay for me!

My max current daily calorie goal is 1700. No less than 1500. (Less than that and milk supply can drop). So I need to kick my butt with workouts! I have started running again! Doing C25K. I've been running with my sister in law Angelina on most weekends, and then during the week I either run by myself or with my mom or cousin Rebecca. Just 3 days a week for now. And then 6 days a week, I am doing Jillian Michael's Body Revolution again, because I won it 2 years ago as a bonus prize on dietbet. It is kicking my BUTT, oh my gosh. It is really hard and my body feels like jello afterwards but it is amazing to feel and see my body getting stronger! I can jet up a flight of stars again now. My legs are getting firmer. Taking out a heavy bag of garbage isn't hard. The little things that I had forgotten about, are coming back. Now to just fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes, that would be AMAZING.
I'll be posting a blog every week with my weight loss results to keep me accountable. If I can keep myself on track by doing that, and maybe inspire a couple other people, then it is worth it :)

It is a little more challenging this time around because when I started losing weight with just Hailie, I was a stay at home mom. Now I have 3 jobs. 2 of them are just work from home types but it is more of a challenge to fit in a workout. The runs and the DVD workouts are just 30 minutes though. If I can fit it in, you can too! You just have to make it a priority, I have learned. If you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of others very well.
Another challenge I face, is starting to lose weight with a younger baby. Hailie was 6 months, I think, when I started. Danny is 3 months. So I'll be getting less sleep for a few more months. He usually sleeps pretty well, but being tired is a huge handicap for losing weight. I won't let that hold me back though. I will chose to workout even if I'm so tired I can't see straight hahaha. Actually, working out usually will give you a natural burst of energy so that's cool.

Oh, I'm in three 6-month dietbets, so there's also those to keep me motivated!

So here I go again! I'm gonna do this, you guys. I will lose this weight again. My biggest reward will be digging out my bags of cute, skinny, size small clothes out of storage. Putting them on, feeling light and free again. Running with the wind. Having the energy to do everything. Feeling confident with how I look. Sprinting along the creeks with my dog. Living life to the fullest. You get ONE BODY, here on earth. You gotta make it last 70+ years. Make 'em good years! Life is short. Let's enjoy it! I don't want to hide in frumpy sweats and worn out maternity shirts anymore. I will be free. 14 weeks. Here I go! God, help me! :)

Danny's Birth Story

Well, it finally happened! The birth of our second child... Our son Daniel ("Danny") Joseph Carretero IV.
I was having mild contractions for weeks before he was born. They were getting progressively stronger as time went by, but around week 40, there was a marked spike in how intense they were. I could still ignore most of them, but in the evenings and at night there were some that woke me up. At my week 40 appointment I was dilated to 2cm already! Which was very exciting but I knew it might still be some time, as that's how my body prepared with my first pregnancy too.

During my final week of pregnancy I went on a 4 mile walk, a 2 mile hike, worked, and rested plenty in between. Not to mention the gallons of Red Raspberry Leaf Tea since week 38! I would have started drinking that sooner but I didn't hear about it until then.
On Wednesday morning (August 24th, the day week 41 started) I woke up to some bad crampy contractions and a good amount of bloody show. It was fresh bright red blood, not an alarming amount but I called the midwife just be sure it was normal. She said it sounded totally fine but that we could move Thursday's appointment to that day if I wanted. Since it was my 41 week appointment, we would be doing a no stress test, monitoring baby's heart for 20-30 mins to make sure he was still doing well and then an ultrasound to measure amniotic fluid levels. I gladly said yes and after I dropped off the boys I nanny at school, Hailie and I went home and told Daniel maybe he shouldn't go to work. We went to my appointment and I was 4cm! That was around noon. Contractions were still coming at irregular intervals, though I'd have at least 2 an hr. They were largely ignore able still, but there was just something different about them. I could tell.
I'm pretty sure I was already in early labor but I asked my midwife to strip the membranes to get things going a little more and then we were outta there. We picked up our daughter Hailie from my mom's and then went to the bank on the way home. At the bank is when the first bad contraction hit. As we pulled up to the ATM I froze in the van for a minute... I could NOT get out during that contraction. That was around 1:30 PM. We went home and I had a quick lunch before I had to go back to work to pick up the boys from school. The contractions kept coming, irregular still, but around 20-30 minutes apart. Still totally manageable, I just kept focusing on relaxing my whole body during them, really letting them come, and just going with the flow.
By 5 PM I texted Daniel that this was the real deal and I knew I was in real early labor still, but that when I got home, I was calling the midwife and we were going to the birth center. I wasn't off until 6 and when my boss texted me that there was really bad traffic (she commutes from San Rafael to their home in Cotati... 45 minute drive without traffic), I got a little nervous, but knew I wasn't just an hour away from pushing, so it was ok. She got home at 6:15, then Hailie and I were out of there. We got home and ate some dinner, then I called and arrived at the birth center around 7:30. My sisters Julia and Isabella met us there. Bella was to be taking the video of the birth and Julia was my birth photographer of course :) http://juliamichellephotography.com/

My contractions had been coming at about 4-5 minutes apart for an hr+ before we left, but the excitement and adrenaline of getting in the van and heading to the birth center slowed them down to around 10-15 by the time we got there. Which I was actually thankful for because contractions in the car, -sitting down- were absolutely horrible. I only had one on the drive over. They checked me when we arrived and said I was the same as earlier that day... 4cm dilated. Elizabeth was the midwife on call (LOVE HER) and she asked if I wanted to stay and walk around a little and see if everything picks back up, or go home. We opted to stay at first, and we walked over to Yogurt Time and we all got frozen yogurt :)
I started timing contractions again as they seemed like they were coming more frequently again... and they were starting to get pretty bad. First they were 8 mins apart... then 7... then 6... then they started averaging 5 by the time we got back to the birth center. I was extremely sleepy and Elizabeth asked if I wanted to stay or go home and get a little sleep between contractions. I couldn't decide and she said stay and walk around a little more and we would wait for the real labor to declare itself.

I kept pacing back and fourth in the cool night air (by now it was about 9 PM) in the outdoor garden/courtyard at the Birth Center. The air felt amazing. The contractions were coming pretty consistently around 5 minutes apart. Then I sat down and that was the last slowdown of the night. I had an 8 minute gap while sitting to watch a video with my husband Daniel, of cats getting brain freezes (HILARIOUS, I highly recommend!) When Elizabeth heard me laughing she came out and said "Alright! There's my litmus test, go home and get some sleep! You will need it later. I guarantee you WILL be back tonight, might be in 20 minutes, might be a few hours but its only a matter of time!"
We headed home and I put Hailie to bed. Her last night as my only baby. Then I crawled into my gloriously cozy bed and drifted off to sleep between contractions. I have no idea how close together they were, but they were getting stronger as time went on. I was half dreaming, half awake but I remember visualizing alot of different things to help me stay relaxed and to help with the pain.
First it was running... running hard, uphill. The top in sight. Then at the worst part of a contraction, reaching that top... then the free feeling of running downhill.
Next the ocean helped... picturing walking the beach with a storm brewing overhead. The cool wind whipping my hair around. The sound of the gray waves crashing against the sand. Gulls overhead. The sharp, cold, wet sand under my feet. Then the feelings of waves crashing into me, laughing as a kid, trying to jump over them with Julia and Benjamin when we were little.
Then my sunflowers. I opened my eyes and could see them out my bedroom window. Their leaves, silver looking in the moonlight, moving with the night breeze. I pictured them in the sun, opening up, standing tall and proud for the neighbors to see. More contractions. They were getting worse. And then I noticed nausea creeping up with each one. Soon they were coming so close together that I couldn't fall back asleep. The nausea got stronger and I feared I would throw up in my bed. I stood up to go tell Daniel we needed to go back, but as I got to my feet, my legs were trembling. Then my whole body was shaking. I told him we needed to go and no sooner had I asked him to call the midwife and my sisters (at least I think I managed to say that much) to go back to the birth center, I stumbled into the bathroom and threw up all that frozen yogurt from earlier. We loaded up a few of the bags again and then he got slumbering Hailie in her carseat, and we were off again. The night air felt amazing. We live about 20 minutes from the Birth Center. I felt like I was in a dream of some sort. Half in this spiritual realm, but still half on earth. We zoomed up the freeway, and I looked up at the night sky. The patchy fog allowed me a view of the stars. The beautiful stars. I felt like I was flying with them. We drove along, all the lights of Santa Rosa zooming past in a blur. I was in so much pain, but between contractions, I breathed in every sight.

It was about 11:50 PM on Wednesday night when we arrived back at the Birth Center. I was in a daze by now. They have an extra bed and plenty of couches there, so someone, Bella I think, carried sleeping Hailie in. They checked me right away and I was 6cm. The next thing I remember after that, is getting into their nice big bathtub. Elizabeth had the shower going on my lower back and belly. Then Daniel took over that. I must have been laboring in the tub for awhile because then I remember him asking if I wanted to know what time it was. I had really been curious but hadn't been able to muster up the words to ask. "Yes" I said. "1:50". (I think) He responded, as he flashed his watch at me. "Wow!" I thought. "Time is going by so fast!" I had thought labor would feel like it was dragging on and on but I was so focused through every contraction, that I wasn't noticing the passage of time. Soon the water wasn't helping anymore. I felt like it was a million degrees and got out, sweating. Oh and I had thrown up a couple more times. Throwing up through a contraction is absolutely horrid.

I made my way to the bed. Moaning unashamed through the contractions, but knowing in the back of my mind I'd have a good laugh with my sisters or Daniel later over it.
For awhile, trying to sway side to side through them helped. Doing anything through them helped. Anything to even slightly distract oneself helped. And sometimes all at once it almost made things worse. What helped in one contraction was detested in the next.
There are large amounts of time that I have no memory of. The contractions I remember plenty, but most of the time, who was in and out of the room, where I was, how I got from one place and position to the next, are just a foggy blur.

I remember thinking about my sisters and Hailie in the other room. Its like a big living room with a fireplace and couches and everything. I think that's where they were anyways. I felt a little bad about being so loud and hoped I wasn't terrifying them hahaha and wondered why they weren't in the room with me. But those thoughts barely had time to form before a contraction whisked them away. I was most aware of Daniel. If he was near me, I could feel his presence usually. I couldn't see him though. The last time I remember seeing him was when he showed me his watch. That was the last glimpse of his face that I remember until after the baby was born. And there aren't any other faces from when I got to the birth center that second time, until after he was born. Elizabeth's words usually broke through my daze. A few times the nurse's did too. I remember seeing her (the nurse) there and having no idea who the heck she was. I forgot they said they always have an assistant with them. I vaguely remember her introducing herself, but I couldn't speak.

So somehow, I had ended up out of the bathrub and on the bed. I made myself a mountain of pillows to lay over. I remember someone behind me saying something about how it had been such a long time since I'd been able to lay on my stomach, but soon I'd be able to again. "True that." I thought.
Then someone offered me a small birthing ball to lay over, instead of the pillows because it was firmer. I gladly took it. Then I started having some kind of "pushy" contractions. The urge wasn't very strong but I thought I'd try it and see how it felt. It eased the pain so much to push even just that little. "Are you pushing, hun?" Elizabeth asked. I was annoyed at the question. I didn't want to explain that yes, I was, but not for real. Just a little to take the edge off the pain. Instead, all I could do was nod. "Pushing at 2:45!" She said to the nurse. Who I assume was taking notes. So it was 2:45 AM.
Soon she asked if I wanted them to check me again. I kind of did but if they checked and I was still at 6cm and had made no progress I would be so discouraged and it would make the pain feel worse, I thought. Of course I couldn't say all of this. I was just silent at first. Maybe I managed an "umm" in between contractions.
A few minutes later I decided I did actually want to know if I'd made much progress.
Elizabeth said I was at 8cm and asked if I wanted her to break my water. She explained there was a bubble of fluid on his head and that if she broke it, things would go much faster. Instead of trying to push out a big blobby bubble, it would go faster to push out a hard, sleek baby. I knew everything would start to hurt more if she broke my water, but I asked anyways if this would happen. "Is it... going to make the pain worse?" "Yes." She said bluntly. "It will be more intense, in different ways." "Oohhhhhh..." I moaned sadly. "But its pain you will already have to go through at some point. Breaking your water now will make it happen quicker and faster. It will be over with sooner."
I thought about it for a few minutes and then said "okay, after this next..." then another contraction hit. I hated contractions. Contractions were the devil. Even the word was annoying. "Contractions" ugh.
It passed and then I said "hurry!"
I felt a trickle as she broke my water and in just seconds, a massive contraction came roaring through me like a freight train. As well as a tremendous urge to push. Like nothing you can imagine unless you've felt it. I was scared for a second to push. Hadn't I JUST been checked, and I was 8cm? What if I pushed too soon and made my cervix swell up and, and, and...
"Listen to your body" I remember hearing inside of me. Then Elizabeth echoed it on the outside. "Listen to your body, if you feel the urge to push, then PUSH!"
All of this happened in the blink of an eye. That first post water-breaking contraction had me scrambling in an attempt to get on my knees but I only made it to my side like a beached whale and pushed hard. I couldn't help it. Its like my body made me do it, and I could help assist. That was the first one I screamed with, I think. More like roared. I was laughing about it later but in the moment I couldn't help it. As soon as it passed, I scrambled up to my knees, holding onto the headrails of the bed for dear life. "Relax!!" I told myself. "Keep the face relaxed. Relax the hands. Breathe. Let it happen. Let it take over. Let your body do what it needs to do. Let the baby come down." I kept trying to collect myself and regroup but I barely had enough time to think before another contraction crashed through me.
"NO!!! THIS IS BAD! THIS IS SO BAD, NO!!!" I yelled. "Let it happen, its good, let it come!" Said Elizabeth. "Jesus, God, please help me!!!!" I yelled as the pain ripped through me like a tablesaw on a 2X4. This second contraction since my water breaking had me pushing HARD again. I could feel him coming down, fast. Seemed like inches at a time. It had only been 2 pushes and I could feel he was about to start crowning.
Then a cramp bit into my left hamstring. I sat back onto it, on my knees and it started to go away but I managed to stutter out what was happening and then Elizabeth said to lay down so they could stretch it out. "I CAN'T." I said. "Yes you can!" She said back. "No, I can't!"
They didn't realize Danny was so close to being born. The cramp faded just in time for a third post-waterbreak contraction. I pushed hard again and could feel his head crowning. I felt a hand feel his head and then Elizabeth yelled to the other room "IF WE WANT VIDEO, NOW IS THE TIME! HURRY!" the next contraction I used all my will power not to push... to just breathe through it. "Let the body open up. Let it stretch!" I told myself. I remember feeling like my entire rear end was going to blow out. I knew I needed to pause a few moments since he was coming so fast. I literally had like 10 second breaks between these contractions. The next one started and I pushed a little softer this time. "There's his head! Do you want to feel it?" Asked Elizabeth. I couldn't respond out loud but in my head I was like "No! I just want to push him out of me so I don't have to be in pain anymore! And, I'm on all fours, shivering like I'm in the arctic, I'm not about to spare an anchoring arm for much of anything!" Its a good thing I couldn't speak cause I was being a bit rude in my head.
Apparently at this point, Danny shot an arm out, hand in a fist above his head like this power fist thing like "HERE I AM, WORLD!" Hahahaha :)

SLAM. Another crippling contraction and all the force in my body pushed out his shoulders. The rest of his burning body slithered out right after and there he was! The relief was instantaneous. I felt AMAZING. All the pain vanished in an instant. Daniel caught him and then I heard his first cries.
The start of real active labor was maybe around 9:30 when we got home from the first birth center trip. That was when there were no more long breaks between contractions and they were bringing me to my knees when they hit. So if you count from then, I was in real labor for about 6 hrs. And it only took 5 real pushes to birth that sweet boy.
His cord was short, so he laid on my now empty belly for the first few minutes while we waited for the cord to stop pulsing. Then he pooped all over himself and I!! Elizabeth and the nurse cleaned us up and then the cord was ready to be cut. Daniel cut it of course and then it was snuggle time for Danny and I.
I was shaking so badly by now! Which Elizabeth said was normal, just the shifting hormones. Then the nurse threw a big hot blanket over us, fresh out of the dryer. I was all smiles and laughing and talking to Danny as he looked up at me, blinking. Best moment of my life so far. So this was the little guy who I had just carried for 41 weeks and a day. Time of birth was 3:24am. They didn't weigh him or measure him or anything for a few hours. "Those things won't change yet anyways, best to let you two bond!" Elizabeth said. Just the way I wanted it to be. Danny's temp was a little low for the first few hrs and after a bit, we discovered he had pooped again! I somehow hadn't felt it, but it was wet and sticky and it was keeping his temp down. So they cleaned him up and weighed and measured him at that time. He was 8 lbs 3 oz!!!! I didn't think he would have been so big! His length was 20.5 inches. After that, they gave him back to me for lots of cuddles to warm him up.

He hardly cried and he was eating really well already! And sleeping! Hailie was the opposite. Every little click of the door, or whisper would wake her up. And she was hard to console. It got worse the older she got. By the time she was 7 days old, she had her first screaming session where nothing would calm her down FOR HOURS. That would happen most nights of the week until she was around 6 months old. She would scream for hours on end. I timed it most of the time and it would be 6 hours or so of crying. One time it was 8 hours and she wouldn't nurse in that time. She usually would end it with a bunch of farts (sorry Hai!) And in retrospect, I'm wondering if the antibiotics they had put me on in the hospital, had to do with any of it. I had been Group B Strep positive with her so they had antibiotics in my IV with the pitocin. That would have wiped out all my vaginal flora though, not just the strep. Making her miss out on all the essential bacteria newborns need to colonize their digestive tract. Then they had tried to pull out her placenta by the cord and it broke so they had to go in and fish it out, putting me on more antibiotics after that happened. It might have all made her have some tummy issues that had her screaming. I'm no doctor so I could be totally off but with Danny, I had been taking really good probiotics while pregnant, eating lots of garlic and apple cider vinegar, drinking kefir and kombucha and I was just all around way healthier. Then I was GBS negative so no antibiotics for me! (I would have declined them anyway if I had been positive... as there's only a 0.5 chance of transferring the strep to the newborn during delivery. And even then, it is treatable.)
So far, Danny is nothing like her, in that respect. I can still count on my fingers, the number of times that he has full-on cried and he is 12 days old today! And he NAPS! Hours at a time! I was lucky to get 45 minutes out of Hailie for months and months, that's how it was. And he eats so much! Just when I think I'm gonna be engorged, he does a cluster feed and then I'm runnin on empty just as he goes down for the night.

Its amazing. This boy... he's so sweet and peaceful. Which is exactly the vision I had of who he would be, while I was still pregnant. I wrote all of this down, sort of in a letter for him to read someday, but on my way to one of my appointments, eastbound on Hwy 12 with Mt Hood in the distance, I got this vision of my son someday... I saw him up there, where Daniel and I have hiked to (gunsight, for anyone who's been up there before) standing tall, white tshirt and dark brown hair moving gently in the breeze, his huge brown eyes taking in the view, unphased by all the worries of the world below him. My peaceful son. The bringer of the calm after a storm. He was absolutely breathtaking. I knew then that he was going to be an easy baby. So I had to write it all down so I'd have proof that I knew it! I love this kid so much.
Hailie's birth was amazing too of course, but I was drugged. It wasn't a natural birth. I was on pitocin and then an epidural. I didn't experience everything the same. I would say Danny's birth was much more spiritual and impacting on my life and soul. I was able to feel everything, experience everything. Pain is hard. But sometimes pain is good. Out of that fire, new life was birthed. It is somethin' else, man. 

So when people ask "How was labor?!" And I say "AMAZING!" I'm talking about that part of it. Not so much the actual contractions but the experience of everything combined. They look at me like I'm crazy, but wow.

Oh and recovery! I was up and walking around like nothin! When I had the epidural, they had to remove the catheter, make sure I could pee, make sure I walked every so often so I didn't get blood clots, and it was really difficult to move my legs at first. I was confined to a bed, on my back, all hooked up to monitors... woken up every shift change of the nurses...
The Birth Center was way different and for me, it was WAY better. I was free. Free to have the birth I wanted. Free to listen to my body, move around, allowed more time to bond with my baby, I wasn't pressured to do any tests or procedures that I wasn't interested in, heck I even had Hailie there with me! She was in another room sleeping, but still! I had my other baby near me and that was awesome. Oh and Daniel got to "catch" his son! He got to be the first human to hold him. What an intense, powerful experience.

I was more emotionally open this time 'round too. I was emotionally numb and jaded when Hailie was born. Her birth snapped me out of it, and has now allowed me to enjoy and experience Danny's birth on a deeper level but at the time Hailie was born, all I could do was stare at her in my arms... I didn't let the love soak in at first. She felt so foreign... like she wasn't mine. I almost felt like I needed to ask her permission to hold her. Or ask God's permission. That faded fast and she is forever my sweetyheart and we are the best of buddies. We have been through so much together. But with Danny, I instantly cuddled him. He was instantly written in my heart and soul. I love you my son. My little boy. And I cannot wait to see the amazing, beautiful man you grow up to be <3

Danny's Birth Story

Well, it finally happened! The birth of our second child... Our son Daniel ("Danny") Joseph Carretero IV.
I was having mild contractions for weeks before he was born. They were getting progressively stronger as time went by, but around week 40, there was a marked spike in how intense they were. I could still ignore most of them, but in the evenings and at night there were some that woke me up. At my week 40 appointment I was dilated to 2cm already! Which was very exciting but I knew it might still be some time, as that's how my body prepared with my first pregnancy too.

During my final week of pregnancy I went on a 4 mile walk, a 2 mile hike, worked, and rested plenty in between. Not to mention the gallons of Red Raspberry Leaf Tea since week 38! I would have started drinking that sooner but I didn't hear about it until then.
On Wednesday morning (August 24th, the day week 41 started) I woke up to some bad crampy contractions and a good amount of bloody show. It was fresh bright red blood, not an alarming amount but I called the midwife just be sure it was normal. She said it sounded totally fine but that we could move Thursday's appointment to that day if I wanted. Since it was my 41 week appointment, we would be doing a no stress test, monitoring baby's heart for 20-30 mins to make sure he was still doing well and then an ultrasound to measure amniotic fluid levels. I gladly said yes and after I dropped off the boys I nanny at school, Hailie and I went home and told Daniel maybe he shouldn't go to work. We went to my appointment and I was 4cm! That was around noon. Contractions were still coming at irregular intervals, though I'd have at least 2 an hr. They were largely ignore able still, but there was just something different about them. I could tell.
I'm pretty sure I was already in early labor but I asked my midwife to strip the membranes to get things going a little more and then we were outta there. We picked up our daughter Hailie from my mom's and then went to the bank on the way home. At the bank is when the first bad contraction hit. As we pulled up to the ATM I froze in the van for a minute... I could NOT get out during that contraction. That was around 1:30 PM. We went home and I had a quick lunch before I had to go back to work to pick up the boys from school. The contractions kept coming, irregular still, but around 20-30 minutes apart. Still totally manageable, I just kept focusing on relaxing my whole body during them, really letting them come, and just going with the flow.
By 5 PM I texted Daniel that this was the real deal and I knew I was in real early labor still, but that when I got home, I was calling the midwife and we were going to the birth center. I wasn't off until 6 and when my boss texted me that there was really bad traffic (she commutes from San Rafael to their home in Cotati... 45 minute drive without traffic), I got a little nervous, but knew I wasn't just an hour away from pushing, so it was ok. She got home at 6:15, then Hailie and I were out of there. We got home and ate some dinner, then I called and arrived at the birth center around 7:30. My sisters Julia and Isabella met us there. Bella was to be taking the video of the birth and Julia was my birth photographer of course :) http://juliamichellephotography.com/

My contractions had been coming at about 4-5 minutes apart for an hr+ before we left, but the excitement and adrenaline of getting in the van and heading to the birth center slowed them down to around 10-15 by the time we got there. Which I was actually thankful for because contractions in the car, -sitting down- were absolutely horrible. I only had one on the drive over. They checked me when we arrived and said I was the same as earlier that day... 4cm dilated. Elizabeth was the midwife on call (LOVE HER) and she asked if I wanted to stay and walk around a little and see if everything picks back up, or go home. We opted to stay at first, and we walked over to Yogurt Time and we all got frozen yogurt :)
I started timing contractions again as they seemed like they were coming more frequently again... and they were starting to get pretty bad. First they were 8 mins apart... then 7... then 6... then they started averaging 5 by the time we got back to the birth center. I was extremely sleepy and Elizabeth asked if I wanted to stay or go home and get a little sleep between contractions. I couldn't decide and she said stay and walk around a little more and we would wait for the the real labor to declare itself.

I kept pacing back and fourth in the cool night air (by now it was about 9 PM) in the outdoor garden/courtyard at the Birth Center. The air felt amazing. The contractions were coming pretty consistently around 5 minutes apart. Then I sat down and that was the last slowdown of the night. I had an 8 minute gap while sitting to watch a video with my husband Daniel, of cats getting brain freezes (HILARIOUS, I highly recommend!) When Elizabeth heard me laughing she came out and said "Alright! There's my litmus test, go home and get some sleep! You will need it later. I guarantee you WILL be back tonight, might be in 20 minutes, might be a few hours but its only a matter of time!"
We headed home and I put Hailie to bed. Her last night as my only baby. Then I crawled into my gloriously cozy bed and drifted off to sleep between contractions. I have no idea how close together they were, but they were getting stronger as time went on. I was half dreaming, half awake but I remember visualizing alot of different things to help me stay relaxed and to help with the pain.
First it was running... running hard, uphill. The top in sight. Then at the worst part of a contraction, reaching that top... then the free feeling of running downhill.
Next the ocean helped... picturing walking the beach with a storm brewing overhead. The cool wind whipping my hair around. The sound of the gray waves crashing against the sand. Gulls overhead. The sharp, cold, wet sand under my feet. Then the feelings of waves crashing into me, laughing as a kid, trying to jump over them with Julia and Benjamin when we were little.
Then my sunflowers. I opened my eyes and could see them out my bedroom window. Their leaves, silver looking in the moonlight, moving with the night breeze. I pictured them in the sun, opening up, standing tall and proud for the neighbors to see. More contractions. They were getting worse. And then I noticed nausea creeping up with each one. Soon they were coming so close together that I couldn't fall back asleep. The nausea got stronger and I feared I would throw up in my bed. I stood up to go tell Daniel we needed to go back, but as I got to my feet, my legs were trembling. Then my whole body was shaking. I told him we needed to go and no sooner had I asked him to call the midwife and my sisters (at least I think I managed to say that much) to go back to the birth center, I stumbled into the bathroom and threw up all that frozen yogurt from earlier. We loaded up a few of the bags again and then he got slumbering Hailie in her carseat, and we were off again. The night air felt amazing. We live about 20 minutes from the Birth Center. I felt like I was in a dream of some sort. Half in this spiritual realm, but still half on earth. We zoomed up the freeway, and I looked up at the night sky. The patchy fog allowed me a view of the stars. The beautiful stars. I felt like I was flying with them. We drove along, all the lights of Santa Rosa zooming past in a blur. I was in so much pain, but between contractions, I breathed in every sight.

It was about 11:50 PM on Wednesday night when we arrived back at the Birth Center. I was in a daze by now. They have an extra bed and plenty of couches there, so someone, Bella I think, carried sleeping Hailie in. They checked me right away and I was 6cm. The next thing I remember after that, is getting into their nice big bathtub. Elizabeth had the shower going on my lower back and belly. Then Daniel took over that. I must have been laboring in the tub for awhile because then I remember him asking if I wanted to know what time it was. I had really been curious but hadn't been able to muster up the words to ask. "Yes" I said. "1:50". (I think) He responded, as he flashed his watch at me. "Wow!" I thought. "Time is going by so fast!" I had thought labor would feel like it was dragging on and on but I was so focused through every contraction, that I wasn't noticing the passage of time. Soon the water wasn't helping anymore. I felt like it was a million degrees and got out, sweating. Oh and I had thrown up a couple more times. Throwing up through a contraction is absolutely horrid.

I made my way to the bed. Moaning unashamed through the contractions, but knowing in the back of my mind I'd have a good laugh with my sisters or Daniel later over it.
For awhile, trying to sway side to side through them helped. Doing anything through them helped. Anything to even slightly distract oneself helped. And sometimes all at once it almost made things worse. What helped in one contraction was detested in the next.
There are large amounts of time that I have no memory of. The contractions I remember plenty, but most of the time, who was in and out of the room, where I was, how I got from one place and position to the next, are just a foggy blur.

I remember thinking about my sisters and Hailie in the other room. Its like a big living room with a fireplace and couches and everything. I think that's where they were anyways. I felt a little bad about being so loud and hoped I wasn't terrifying them hahaha and wondered why they weren't in the room with me. But those thoughts barely had time to form before a contraction whisked them away. I was most aware of Daniel. If he was near me, I could feel his presence usually. I couldn't see him though. The last time I remember seeing him was when he showed me his watch. That was the last glimpse of his face that I remember until after the baby was born. And there aren't any other faces from when I got to the birth center that second time, until after he was born. Elizabeth's words usually broke through my daze. A few times the nurse's did too. I remember seeing her (the nurse) there and having no idea who the heck she was. I forgot they said they always have an assistant with them. I vaguely remember her introducing herself, but I couldn't speak.

So somehow, I had ended up out of the bathrub and on the bed. I made myself a mountain of pillows to lay over. I remember someone behind me saying something about how it had been such a long time since I'd been able to lay on my stomach, but soon I'd be able to again. "True that." I thought.
Then someone offered me a small birthing ball to lay over, instead of the pillows because it was firmer. I gladly took it. Then I started having some kind of "pushy" contractions. The urge wasn't very strong but I thought I'd try it and see how it felt. It eased the pain so much to push even just that little. "Are you pushing, hun?" Elizabeth asked. I was annoyed at the question. I didn't want to explain that yes, I was, but not for real. Just a little to take the edge off the pain. Instead, all I could do was nod. "Pushing at 2:45!" She said to the nurse. Who I assume was taking notes. So it was 2:45 AM.
Soon she asked if I wanted them to check me again. I kind of did but if they checked and I was still at 6cm and had made no progress I would be so discouraged and it would make the pain feel worse, I thought. Of course I couldn't say all of this. I was just silent at first. Maybe I managed an "umm" in between contractions.
A few minutes later I decided I did actually want to know if I'd made much progress.
Elizabeth said I was at 8cm and asked if I wanted her to break my water. She explained there was a bubble of fluid on his head and that if she broke it, things would go much faster. Instead of trying to push out a big blobby bubble, it would go faster to push out a hard, sleek baby. I knew everything would start to hurt more if she broke my water, but I asked anyways if this would happen. "Is it... going to make the pain worse?" "Yes." She said bluntly. "It will be more intense, in different ways." "Oohhhhhh..." I moaned sadly. "But its pain you will already have to go through at some point. Breaking your water now will make it happen quicker and faster. It will be over with sooner."
I thought about it for a few minutes and then said "okay, after this next..." then another contraction hit. I hated contractions. Contractions were the devil. Even the word was annoying. "Contractions" ugh.
It passed and then I said "hurry!"
I felt a trickle as she broke my water and in just seconds, a massive contraction came roaring through me like a freight train. As well as a tremendous urge to push. Like nothing you can imagine unless you've felt it. I was scared for a second to push. Hadn't I JUST been checked, and I was 8cm? What if I pushed too soon and made my cervix swell up and, and, and...
"Listen to your body" I remember hearing inside of me. Then Elizabeth echoed it on the outside. "Listen to your body, if you feel the urge to push, then PUSH!"
All of this happened in the blink of an eye. That first post water-breaking contraction had me scrambling in an attempt to get on my knees but I only made it to my side like a beached whale and pushed hard. I couldn't help it. Its like my body made me do it, and I could help assist. That was the first one I screamed with, I think. More like roared. I was laughing about it later but in the moment I couldn't help it. As soon as it passed, I scrambled up to my knees, holding onto the headrails of the bed for dear life. "Relax!!" I told myself. "Keep the face relaxed. Relax the hands. Breathe. Let it happen. Let it take over. Let your body do what it needs to do. Let the baby come down." I kept trying to collect myself and regroup but I barely had enough time to think before another contraction crashed through me.
"NO!!! THIS IS BAD! THIS IS SO BAD, NO!!!" I yelled. "Let it happen, its good, let it come!" Said Elizabeth. "Jesus, God, please help me!!!!" I yelled as the pain ripped through me like a tablesaw on a 2X4. This second contraction since my water breaking had me pushing HARD again. I could feel him coming down, fast. Seemed like inches at a time. It had only been 2 pushes and I could feel he was about to start crowning.
Then a cramp bit into my left hamstring. I sat back onto it, on my knees and it started to go away but I managed to stutter out what was happening and then Elizabeth said to lay down so they could stretch it out. "I CAN'T." I said. "Yes you can!" She said back. "No, I can't!"
They didn't realize Danny was so close to being born. The cramp faded just in time for a third post-waterbreak contraction. I pushed hard again and could feel his head crowning. I felt a hand feel his head and then Elizabeth yelled to the other room "IF WE WANT VIDEO, NOW IS THE TIME! HURRY!" the next contraction I used all my will power not to push... to just breathe through it. "Let the body open up. Let it stretch!" I told myself. I remember feeling like my entire rear end was going to blow out. I knew I needed to pause a few moments since he was coming so fast. I literally had like 10 second breaks between these contractions. The next one started and I pushed a little softer this time. "There's his head! Do you want to feel it?" Asked Elizabeth. I couldn't respond out loud but in my head I was like "No! I just want to push him out of me so I don't have to be in pain anymore! And, I'm on all fours, shivering like I'm in the acrtic, I'm not about to spare an anchoring arm for much of anything!" Its a good thing I couldn't speak cause I was being a bit rude in my head.
Apparently at this point, Danny shot an arm out, hand in a fist above his head like this power fist thing like "HERE I AM, WORLD!" Hahahaha :)

SLAM. Another crippling contraction and all the force in my body pushed out his shoulders. The rest of his burning body slithered out and there he was! The relief was instantaneous. I felt AMAZING. All the pain vanished in an instant. Daniel caught him and I heard his first cries. His cord was short, so he paid on my now empty belly for the first few minutes while we waited for the cord to stop pulsing. Then he pooped all over us!! Elizabeth and the nurse cleaned us up and then the cord was ready to be cut. Daniel cut it of course and then it was snuggle time for Danny and I.
I was shaking so badly by now! Which Elizabeth said was normal, just the shifting hormones. Then the nurse threw a big hot blanket over us, fresh out of the dryer. I was all smiles and laughing and talking to Danny as he looked up at me, blinking. Best moment of my life so far. So this was the little guy who I had just carried for 41 weeks and a day. Time of birth was 3:24. They didn't weigh him or measure him or anything for a few hours. "Those things won't change yet anyways, best to let you two bond!" Elizabeth said. Just the way I wanted it to be. Danny's temp was a little low for the first few hrs and after a bit, we discovered he had pooped again! I somehow hadn't felt it, but it was wet and sticky and it was keeping his temp down. So they cleaned him up and weighed and measured him at that time. He was 8 lbs 3 oz!!!! I didn't think he would have been so big! His length was 20.5 inches. He hardly cried and he was eating really well already! And sleeping! Hailie was the opposite. Every little click of the door, or whisler would wake her up. And she was hard to console. It got worse the older she got. By the time she was 7 days old, she had her first screaming session where nothing would calm her down FOR HOURS. That would happen most nights of the week until she was around 6 months old. She would scream for hours on end. I timed it most of the time and it would be 6 hours or so of crying. One time it was 8 hours and she wouldn't nurse in that time.
So far, Danny is nothing like her, in that respect. I can still cound on my fingers, the number of times that he has full-on cried and he is 12 days old today! And he NAPS! Hours at a time! I was lucky to get 45 minutes out of Hailie for months and months, that's how it was. And he eats so much! Just when I think I'm gonna be engorged, he does a cluster feed and then I'm runnin on empty just as he goes down for the night. Its amazing. This boy... he's so sweet and peaceful. Which is exactly the vision I had of who he would be, while I was still pregnant. I wrote all of this down, sort of in a letter for him to read someday, but on my way to one of my appointments, eastbound on Hwy 12 with Mt Hood in the distance, I got this vision of my son someday... I saw him up there, where Daniel and I have hiked to (gunsight, for anyone who's been up there before) standing tall up there, white tshirt and dark brown hair moving gently in the breeze, his huge brown eyes taking in the view, unphased by all the worries of the world below him. My peaceful son. The bringer of the calm after a storm. He was absolutely breathtaking. I knew then that he was going to be an easy baby. So I had to write it all down so I'd have proof that I knew it! I love this kid so much.
Hailie's birth was amazing too of course, but I was drugged. It wasn't a natural birth. I was on pitocin and then an epidural. I didn't experience everything the same. I would say Danny's birth was much more spiritual and impacting on my life and soul. I was able to feel everything, experience everything. Pain is hard. But sometimes pain is good. Out of that fire, new life was birthed. It is something else, man. 

So when people ask "How was labor?!" And I say "AMAZING!" I'm talking about that part of it. Not so much the actual contractions but the experience of everything combined. They look at me like I'm crazy but wow.
Oh and recovery! I was up and walking around like nothin! When i had the epidural, they had to remove the catheter, make sure I could pee, make sure I walked every so often so I didn't get blood clots, and it was really difficult to move my legs at first. I was confined to a bed, on my back, all hooked up to monitors... woken up every shift change of the nurses... the Birth Center was way different and for me, it was WAY better. I was free. Free to have the birth I wanted. Free to listen to my body, move around, allowed more time to bond with my baby, I wasn't pressured to do any tests or procedures that I wasn't interested in, heck I even had Hailie there with me! She was in another room sleeping, but still! I had my other baby near me and that was awesome. Oh and Daniel got to "catch" his son! He got to be the first human to hold him. What an intense, powerful experience.

I was more emotionally open this time 'round too. I was emotionally numb and jaded when Hailie was born. Her birth snapped me out of it, and has now allowed me to enjoy and experience Danny's birth on a deeper level but at the time Hailie was born, all I could do was stare at her in my arms... I didn't let the love soak in at first. She felt so foreign... like she wasn't mine. I almost felt like I needed to ask her permission to hold her. Or ask God's permission. That faded fast and she is forever my sweetyheart and we are the best of buddies. We have been through so much together. But with Danny, I instantly cuddled him. He was instantly written in my heart and soul. I love you my son. My little boy. And I cannot wait to see the amazing, beautiful man you grow up to be <3