39 weeks and 5 days pregnant.
I remember this feeling in the final days of being pregnant with Hailie. Time stands still. Everything around me looks different. Its like I have an Instagram filter on my eyes haha. Its such a trip to know in more than just your head, that the baby is coming soon... no more than a couple weeks left, even if he goes to 42 weeks. When you can know it in your head, but then when you can sense it inside your being that your baby is coming soon... its so beautiful. Its a soft ache in the heart, for me. A good ache. Pregnancy is about to end and I will be able to hold my son in my arms. Our family of three will grow to four. Hailie won't be my only baby anymore. My heart will stretch and I can't imagine a better feeling and scene before me of being cuddled up in a bed after giving birth, with my kids in my arms and my husband's arms around us. I can sense it like when I can sense the seasons changing. One day you wake up and notice the light is a little different... the air is just a little crisper... there's suddenly a few yellow leaves under the trees. It isn't enough of a difference for most people going about their day, to notice. But I do.
Summer won't officially be over until September, but sometimes the seasons don't watch the calendar. Just like babies! August 17th, 2016 is my "due date" but of course, it is normal for a baby to come anywhere between week 37 and 43. Week 40 is just the average between those times and so is given as the due date. In reality, only about 5% of babies are born on their "due date".
So that's where I've been, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Moments stand still and are emblazened in my memory. Everything from the lights at the fair in the background, as I watched the scene before me, of Hailie and Daniel laughing on rides... the way the moonlight shines on my giant sunflower's leaves in our backyard... Sitting at home after our babyshower, staring at a pile of baby things, knowing very soon I'll be using them for their various purposes. Holding onto every moment possible, I don't want to forget. Letting my heart love... choosing not to brush off all the deep emotions I feel for my husband and daughter. It would be easier not to feel them. Many would chalk it up to hormones, but there is a very real emotional, spiritual connection I desperately crave with my little family. I need my husband like I need air. After he's been working all day, I almost want to cry with how bad I just want to breathe him in. Smell his shoulders, hold him, hear his laugh, see his eyes, hear his voice talking to Hailie. Its more intense than usual.
I catch myself trying to stop it, because I still have this fear in the back of my heart, of looking like a desperate teenager who is about to be rejected. But to let myself love, unrestrained... that's where God works best. Hopefully all of this isn't TMI or too intimate for me to express. And hopefully I haven't just "cast my pearls before swine".
This stuff is my reality. Things hurt deeper and I feel love deeper, over the last few weeks. These things are real. Love is real. Many people don't talk about it. In all the corny "preparing for labor" videos and articles, no one talks about the spiritual side of what is happening. The music of a woman's heartsong... About to give birth to her husband's son or daughter, isn't something society wants to talk about, in my experience. The primal need for him to be near me takes my breath away. No matter how much of a jerk he is being ;) it can drive me crazy how I just break down and need him still. The bond is real. Something otherworldly. How rich we are, to be able to experience these things.
So here we are today. Waiting still. But what a beautiful wait. The final days of our family being the way it is. Then it will change forever. I must not forget to savor every moment I can with my little family. Soaking it all in.
Throughout each day, whenever I feel an intense Braxton Hicks contraction, I look at my watch and have this birth story narrative going on in my head haha... its always something like "it was 4:22 when I felt the first contraction as we walked into Costco..." hahaha :)
I keep wondering if "today is the day" every morning when I wake up. What fun! I'm expecting one of the greatest gifts in the world and he's coming any day now! The best surprise I could ask for. Even better than waiting for a package to arrive, with something fun that you ordered online!
Welp, I'm off to drink some more Red Raspberry Leaf Tea, and go about the rest of my day. I'll finish some last minute cleaning and prep stuff once I'm off work. Reminding myself to enjoy the wait. "Enjoy the the journey, on the way to where you're going", is my mantra lately. Hopefully you'll be hearing from me soon with the news that its show time!!! :D
