Tick Tock

39 weeks and 5 days pregnant.

I remember this feeling in the final days of being pregnant with Hailie. Time stands still. Everything around me looks different. Its like I have an Instagram filter on my eyes haha. Its such a trip to know in more than just your head, that the baby is coming soon... no more than a couple weeks left, even if he goes to 42 weeks. When you can know it in your head, but then when you can sense it inside your being that your baby is coming soon... its so beautiful. Its a soft ache in the heart, for me. A good ache. Pregnancy is about to end and I will be able to hold my son in my arms. Our family of three will grow to four. Hailie won't be my only baby anymore. My heart will stretch and I can't imagine a better feeling and scene before me of being cuddled up in a bed after giving birth, with my kids in my arms and my husband's arms around us. I can sense it like when I can sense the seasons changing. One day you wake up and notice the light is a little different... the air is just a little crisper... there's suddenly a few yellow leaves under the trees. It isn't enough of a difference for most people going about their day, to notice. But I do.
Summer won't officially be over until September, but sometimes the seasons don't watch the calendar. Just like babies! August 17th, 2016 is my "due date" but of course, it is normal for a baby to come anywhere between week 37 and 43. Week 40 is just the average between those times and so is given as the due date. In reality, only about 5% of babies are born on their "due date".

So that's where I've been, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Moments stand still and are emblazened in my memory. Everything from the lights at the fair in the background, as I watched the scene before me, of Hailie and Daniel laughing on rides... the way the moonlight shines on my giant sunflower's leaves in our backyard... Sitting at home after our babyshower, staring at a pile of baby things, knowing very soon I'll be using them for their various purposes. Holding onto every moment possible, I don't want to forget. Letting my heart love... choosing not to brush off all the deep emotions I feel for my husband and daughter. It would be easier not to feel them. Many would chalk it up to hormones, but there is a very real emotional, spiritual connection I desperately crave with my little family. I need my husband like I need air. After he's been working all day, I almost want to cry with how bad I just want to breathe him in. Smell his shoulders, hold him, hear his laugh, see his eyes, hear his voice talking to Hailie. Its more intense than usual.

I catch myself trying to stop it, because I still have this fear in the back of my heart, of looking like a desperate teenager who is about to be rejected. But to let myself love, unrestrained... that's where God works best. Hopefully all of this isn't TMI or too intimate for me to express. And hopefully I haven't just "cast my pearls before swine".
This stuff is my reality. Things hurt deeper and I feel love deeper, over the last few weeks. These things are real. Love is real. Many people don't talk about it. In all the corny "preparing for labor" videos and articles, no one talks about the spiritual side of what is happening. The music of a woman's heartsong... About to give birth to her husband's son or daughter, isn't something society wants to talk about, in my experience. The primal need for him to be near me takes my breath away. No matter how much of a jerk he is being ;) it can drive me crazy how I just break down and need him still. The bond is real. Something otherworldly. How rich we are, to be able to experience these things.

So here we are today. Waiting still. But what a beautiful wait. The final days of our family being the way it is. Then it will change forever. I must not forget to savor every moment I can with my little family. Soaking it all in.
Throughout each day, whenever I feel an intense Braxton Hicks contraction, I look at my watch and have this birth story narrative going on in my head haha... its always something like "it was 4:22 when I felt the first contraction as we walked into Costco..." hahaha :)
I keep wondering if "today is the day" every morning when I wake up. What fun! I'm expecting one of the greatest gifts in the world and he's coming any day now! The best surprise I could ask for. Even better than waiting for a package to arrive, with something fun that you ordered online!

Welp, I'm off to drink some more Red Raspberry Leaf Tea, and go about the rest of my day. I'll finish some last minute cleaning and prep stuff once I'm off work. Reminding myself to enjoy the wait. "Enjoy the the journey, on the way to where you're going", is my mantra lately. Hopefully you'll be hearing from me soon with the news that its show time!!! :D

Praise Report!

Most of you probably know this, but my husband Daniel, Hailie and I live with Daniel's mom. We rent a room from her. It has been tough financially, and we need to move out, for obvious reasons. I long for my own home! My own kitchen to clean, my own yard/garden to tend, a room and bed that i can tuck my daughter into... etc. It has been hard relying on just one income. I am currently in the process of getting what is called a Small Family Home Childcare License, which allows me to care for up to 6 children (or 8 if at least 2 are endrolled in Kindergarten+) at home. Doing so will bring in a lot of money and allow me to be with Hailie. But we need our own place in order for me to start. That is the hold up.

I don't know how some Moms do it... leave their kids at daycare and go to work. I can't do it. I just physically cannot. I would rather live under a bridge in a cardboard box. But that's just me haha!

Anyways, so I have been looking for a way to earn money while still being able to stay with Hailie. I am selling plants, cleaning homes, and make a little money using some fitness apps I have but obviously that isn't enough to move out on.
I was getting to the point where I felt so powerless to my situation. I felt unstable, insecure, and I was going out of my mind with some of the issues involved with our living situation. Why I waited so long to cry out to God, I do not know. But when I finally did, he has answered!

About a month ago, I had this measly $5 bill floating around my wallet. I knew it was there and I was kind of hoarding it, not wanting to spend it until I REALLY needed it. One day, I was just letting my mind wander and an old daily Bible Devotional came to mind from 5th grade probably, that my mom had taught/talked about. It was all about tithing and the Lord's promises involved with tithing. I thought about the story Jesus told about the lady who gave her last gold coin to the church and how that was sweeter and more valuable to God than the lady who was rich and had given more than a gold coin. (This was probably from a little kiddie bible, so forgive me if my facts aren't straight... but you get the point!)
Then I thought about my little $5 bill. That was it. I needed to stop worrying about it all. I also thought about Matthew 6:26:

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"

And there are many scriptures about how God loves us and wants what is best for us. How he wants to give us the desires of our heart.
Psalm 37:4 comes to mind:

"Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart."

Simple and to the point. That Sunday, with a humble and happy heart, I gave my last $5. I put it in the gold bowl/plate at church and basically forgot about it. I was in substantial credit card debt from having to pay bills with them, broke, but at peace. That night I went on care.com (you may have heard of it) and applied to (literally) 43 Nanny jobs in the area. I also put out a request on facebook for work anyone was willing to give me, as long as Hailie could be with me.
As I drifted off to sleep, I laid there with my eyes closed and left it up to the Lord. In my heart, I said: "God, if this is a good idea... if this is something in your will, something that can get me out of here, please help me to succeed. Please find the perfect family. The perfect kids for me to watch and care for. In your son Jesus' name... amen"

The next few days I received few replies. Most said they filled their positions, some (almost rudely) expressed their opposition to my bringing Hailie. "That's ok." I thought. If God wants it to happen, he would make it happen.

After a series of events, Daniel and I now need to move out by July 1st.

The first few days after this news broke, I tried to put on a happy face and "stay strong"... whatever that means... eventually I was freaking out inside. There was no money coming in.

I thought about all my hopes and dreams. They seemed so far away... so untouchable. Would I ever own a house in the country with 50 acres to live off of? Grow my own food organically and sustainably? Raise livestock, raise my babies where they can run barefoot in the soil and find all the simple joys of planting a seed and watching it grow? Seeing the new life of a chickie begin as it hatches, or watch puppies being born, or bunnies, or anything? Where i can teach them the things my parents taught me. That there is more to life than material objects and all the acheivements of man. Teach them to value the Kingdom of God. To love deeply. To trust. To have faith. To be humble. Teach them that it is not with flesh and bone that we wrestle with. That there is an unseen spiritual world. And so much more that I don't know how I can ever be as good of a parent as they are.
Would I ever have my own Jersey milk cow? My own horse? Have a little farmstand and sell some things for money to buy what I can't grow or make myself?

I just broke down inside my heart. I want more than what I have! I need it! And I know God wants it for me. "I am more than what I have become".
I cried out to him again a few days ago. "God, don't you see me?! I know it is by my own actions that I am in this situation. I know I turned away from you, and that path lead here but please Lord, please... I want to come back! I need your help though! I can't do it alone! I want to live the life you planned for me! I want the gifts that you want to give me. I want YOU God! Please hear me and save me from this place!"

Fast forward to now. We received our income tax return and it was enough to get us out of debt.
And I had several friends message me on facebook about work, which has helped! (Especially helped my moral)

Then yesterday happened. I got an email from a lady from care.com. I remember her job opportunity had stood out to me because it seemed PERFECT. Full time, consistent schedule, kids were the right age (and CUTE to boot!) And it paid well. I left it to God though and kept applying to more.
The lady with the perfect job had emailed me. Her name is Jessica and she had just had 3 potential care-givers fall through. I emailed her back and she said I sound like the perfect match! I got the job you guys :) I will be paid a flat rate per day, and paid (1/2 time) bank holidays, vacation time, sick days and that bonus week between Christmas day and New Year's. I will be making enough that in a few months, I will have enough saved to move out on! (Yes I subtracted my current bills). I know I took a long time to write all of this, but I really wanted to give thanks and glory to God for providing the perfect job for me. The family actually lives very close to my parents too, so I will probably get to go visit sometimes if I get off early and what not :)

So next time you feel helpless, alone, unloved... like your life is out of control, you feel like your situation is impossible. Feel like you've dug yourself into too deep of a hole... He can still pull you out! He is there in the struggle! He will help you! I am no one special! I have sinned as much as the worst of us. God is faithful to you. He loves you and He will keep His promises!

This job will get us out of here. Get us in our own home. Then I will have my Childcare license and do in home daycare. I have my "10 year plan" for saving and eventually buying my own land with a home on it, debt-free. I know there will probably be hiccups in the journey there, but I am trusting God :)