That First Step

I began this whole weight loss thing a few months back in July. Since I'm starting this so late, I will use this first post to catch y'all up to speed.

Its been a year now since I had my daughter Hailie. Right before she was born, I was weighing in at 205 lbs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was pregnant, you say. And i was fat. I stand at only 5'3"... so for my height, yes I was fat. Within 6 weeks after her birth, I dropped 30 lbs! And then it all stopped. Before I got pregnant, I had managed to get down to 151 lbs through lots of running and gym time and low-carb dieting. Then had gained my normal weight back of around 165 lbs.
You might be flabbergasted that I'm posting my actual weight on the internet for the world to see. We women tend to like to keep that info private. But why? We're ashamed of it I guess? Well I had to get past that. Past it all! You know what i used to be afraid of hearing people say? "Wow you look great, you've lost weight!" Yeah. Its true. And it actually became a reason why I didn't try to lose. Not the only one, or most important one, but still a reason. Because when someone says that... when they notice a change in your body its... kinda creepy? Means they were looking at you before. Noticing how fat you were. Noticing how unattractive and obese and... WAIT! That was what I IMAGINED they were thinking. Hmm... when *I* notice someone else has lost weight, does it mean I've been creepily watching them? No... so why did I assume they were doing that to me? Alright... THAT was a great change. Nowadays I crave someone to notice the hard work I've been doing! I feel like the work is paying off when someone remarks with astonishment. I feel GOOD about myself and i LOVE it!
Anyways... excuse my squirrely mind... where was I? Oh yes! So my normal weight for years has been... 165 lbs more or less. Then I had Hailie. For months I was hovering around the 175 mark. Closer to 180 if I want to be REAAAALY honest with myself. That my friends, is obese for my height. Obese is such an ugly word, isn't it? Eww I hate it. "Me? Surely *I* am not OBESE!!" Alas dear friends... it was true. So I started running again. I downloaded the app by RunDouble for C25K (couch to 5k). Which is a running plan/program that really does get you from the couch to running 5k (barely over 3 miles) in just 9 weeks. Without killing yourself and hating running in the process. Now if you have a smartphone, it can track you through gps, tell you when to run, when to walk, keep track of all your stats like average speed, a general calorie count, fastest speed, etc.
I didn't change how I was eating though. About 2 weeks later, I had some new calf muscles and quads emerging. I got the courage to step on the scale again... (by now it was the middle of July). I weighed in at 171.6 I believe. "What?? Why am I still fat?!!! I hate myself, hate everything, why am I even trying??" But then it dawned on me... I haven't REALLY been trying. All those Great White Beers. And Shock Top Honeycrisp Apple beers (oh how I miss you). The bags here and there of flamin hot crunchy cheetos. The whole-box-to-myself of delicious kraft mac n cheese (1200 calories!!!!!). You can't out-exercise a bad diet. So that was it. I dusted off my old MyFitnessPal app (calorie counting app that I love and am addicted to) and thought about how I was going to change my eating habits. How did God intend for us to eat?
Clean. Its kind of a trend right now in the fitness world but "eating clean" means you eat things as whole and natural as possible.  You don't eat things with "ingredients". For example... cheetos have ingredients. An apple does not. Store bought pizza definitely has ingredients, but my grilled-at-home steak does not. "But a salad has ingredients!" You say. Yeah but that is your own recipe made of foods without ingredients. Anywaaayyysss so that's what I'm doing. Cutting out the junk food. Before a meal, I ask myself "what is something healthy I can eat right now?" "What does my body need more of?" Protein? Carbs? Fruits? Veggies? The only sugar I eat comes from fruit and the lactose in dairy products. (Ok, and maybe  drizzle of honey in my oatmeal). I have had to cut back on my beloved friend, cheese. I have had to say goodbye to bacon and eggs every morning. With toast and butter and... a tall glass of milk. That doesn't mean I never eat any of those things anymore! Its just all about moderation and healthy portions. I think we all know deep down in our hearts what is, and isn't healthy. And when I DO have a "cheat" day... like eat an extra 1500 calories of pure crap, I accept it, make a mental note about how sluggish and down it made me feel and I MOVE on. Messing up is no reason to quit. Its a reason to try harder. So I eat like God intended and I exercise like crazy. (Mainly running 14 miles/week).

That brings us to the spiritual side of my journey. I don't know if you believe in satan, demons, angels and God but I do. And I noticed that whenever I would binge eat... there was this voice in my head URGING me to. It was like a weird addiction that if there was still good, hot, fresh food on the stove... I HAD to eat it. And I believe maybe that was -and still is- a demon. Because it is a destructive behavior. My self-worth has suffered for years because of my appearance. I would look in the mirror and the demons would whisper "look at you. You are disgusting. You bring shame on your family. Everyone else is beautiful and skinny but you are the fat one. No one will ever want you. Much less want to marry you..." and it went on and on. So I would eat more. And I just COULDN'T let good food go to waste. Without going into detail, having low self-esteem basically destroyed my life for awhile.

After getting married to my husband Daniel, I remember a few times where he ate and I ate and there were leftovers. Did I ask him if he wanted anymore? I had already had plenty and my fair share but I assumed he was done and what did I do? I went to the stove and ate all the rest of those delicious sauteed green beans... the rest of the pan. I didn't think twice about it, just saw that the food wasn't finished. Then here he comes for seconds after I just ate thirds... he had worked all day while I stayed home and he was still hungry... naturally he was upset that I didn't even ask if he was done. That was a real eye opener for me. How did I just devour all that food without even hesitating? It had to stop... I had to recognize the psychological part of my  problem. That's how I gained self-control. If I can figure out what's going on in my head, I can figure out how to overcome it. I still have to rebuke those demons sometimes. Its not a one time deal. They want to take me down. Subdue me. Its not that beauty is everything for me. But I'll be honest, I feel better about myself the thinner I get. And I get more confident. And happy. and brave. Demons hate that.

On june 30th I was 170.4. I was only running. By the time I was brave enough to step on a scale again, it was July 15th and I weighed in at 171.6. That's when i really started. No more junk food and bingeing. On July 21st, I stepped on the scale, put up 168.2 and I was stunned. I had kept up running AND had started eating HEALTHY, nourishing foods and it was paying off big time. There i was, in the 160's again. My calorie goal per day (if I don't exercise) is 1370. (Though I usually eat a lil more because I'm still nursing Hailie before nap and bedtime.)
I weigh in on Friday mornings so that I'm inspired to stay healthy for the weekend (my usual temptation days). I don't think its good to weigh yourself everyday because you can easily get discouraged. Body weight can fluctuate a lot from your water balance and if you've just eaten a half lb of beef (lol) etc.
So I wait a good full week before I step on the scale again.

Weight loss timeline (lbs):
6/30/13: 170.4
7/15/13: 171.6
7/21/13: 168.2
7/26/13: 166.0
8/02/13: 163.4
8/09/13: 161.6
8/16/13: 159.2 -officially in the 150's!!! Hadn't been there for YEARS!
8/24/13: 158.2 (busy few days, forgot to weigh in)
8/29/13: 157.4
9/06/13: 155.4
9/13/13: 154.6
920/13:153.4

From what I've researched and remember om my nutrition classes, is that it is best to lose 1-2 lbs per week. My goal is to weigh 135 lbs by December 24. That is the official weight where I will no longer be considered medically overweight. I will try to give a post every Friday after my weigh-ins and I promise they won't all be so long as this one. Oh and progress pics! Maybe every month or fortnight?

I was to the point where all i would wear were baggy hand me down t-shirts from Daniel and my stretched out comfy elastic shorts. It took 10 lbs before i actually fit into my "fat" jeans again. Now my skinny jeans are getting loose. I have 18 more lbs to go till i hit my goal weight. And 13 weeks to do it. That means i need to lose an average of about 1.38 lbs per week. I can't wait to be in the 140's again! That will be the smallest that Daniel has ever seen me! (And the smallest I've been since i was 16!) I've lost almost 20 lbs so far so I'm halfway there!

This helps keep me motivated a lot to write about my journey. Here's to another 20 lbs! Thanks for reading!